4 Facts About Crocheting: Number 3 Will Shock You!

      Some people would say that variegated yarn, despite its visual interest, should be used sparingly and carefully.

      I am not one of those people.

      When I use variegated yarn, I use it on EVERYTHING. Making some plain vanilla socks? BOOM. Throw some stripes at it. Making some super detailed socks that should probably be crafted in a single and very particular color so as to avoid excessive eyeball stimulation? BOOM. Slap some stripes on it.

      It's for this reason that my latest finished project, another pattern from the Joy of Sox book, is... A lot to look at. In person, it's just interesting to look at. In this photograph, it's like trying to wash an argumentative octopus in a bathtub with your dog; it's impossible to focus on, and you might just lose an eye if you stare for too long.

      Nevertheless, this project was a joy to make, and the pattern was easy to memorize.

      My next foray into variegation led me to what I can only term as a masterpiece of art. It's the ultimate beauty, surpassing even Michelangelo's David and Beautiful Squidward in its perfection.

      It's beyond comparison to anything I, a mere mortal, can conceptualize or articulate. It's a striped, two-headed monkey.

      You may be thinking, "Why on Earth would anyone in their right mind decide that making a two-headed monkey is a good allocation of free time?" And that's an excellent question.

      As it's made with sock yarn, I won't be able to use my cute little safety eyes to complete it. I may end up using buttons, but that always has the possibility of shaping my creations into nightmare creatures that bask in the glow of hellfire. I mean, they're still cute, but they aren't exactly something I'd want staring at me through the darkness at three in the morning.

      Now that I've concluded my descriptions of the projects that have given me no grief, allow me a brief moment to collect myself in preparation for this next one. I'll begin with some undeniable facts.

Fact #1: Acrylic yarn is bad.

Fact #2: Cheap yarn is bad.

Fact #3: I bought a combination of the above.

Fact #4: I feel absolutely victimized by the atrocity that is this color scheme. 

      This project is something that I started as a sort of "test run", if you will. I was asked to create a one-size-fits-all vest with the back being a bandanna, and the front constructed out of yarn.  I'm going to have to experiment a good deal with this, so I went to Goodwill and grabbed the cheapest and crappiest yarn I could unwittingly destroy without guilt. Or wittingly destroy without guilt. Fire is an option.

      I'm a bit concerned that the vest won't sit well, given that fabric made with yarn is considerably more dense and heavy than that made with thread. It's possible that I could arrange for the bulk of the weight to be distributed around the shoulders, but one small mistake with that method could bring back the shoulder pad look from the eighties, and I don't think the world is ready for that level of high fashion.